dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
