the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He passed out mid-signature
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize