I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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