seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
