Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
