Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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