So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
