I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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