He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
