There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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