I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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