I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
