her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
