we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
