if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We named our party play list daddy issues
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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