I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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