Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
