I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize