The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
