My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
