I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
