I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you would pick up someone in the library
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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