Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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