Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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