Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
