About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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