The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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