just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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