cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
