btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
