I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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