and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
