really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
