I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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