evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
