dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
