sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
So here I am, sexting at work.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
