Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
