in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
