I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
