There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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