Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
