that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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