Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize