then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
