Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
