I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i need to put some appletini on your dick
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
