my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
