I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
