While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
