What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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