sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
