If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
