How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
