better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
