im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
