dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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