I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
