I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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