I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
