How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
