I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
