I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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