Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
