Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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