So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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