I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize