I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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