If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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