I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
