Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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