this boner is exhausting
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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