I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
