We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
