If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
