I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Two words: nipple clamps
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