yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
