How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
