walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
